A lot of people have their own little issues. Things that make them unique. Things that make us crazy. Believe me, all women are crazy. Just have to find our "brand" of crazy. Things that happen in life tend to affect us more. Now if your like me, One of my many many MANY issues... is abandonment. 

I can give you the whole story of how my mom was a dead beat and it took the system wayy to long for my dad to get custody but that is a longgg story for another day. What I want to talk about is how it effect me today. 

I have a slight problem standing up for myself. I never say what I really think because I don't want people to leave me. I don't want to be left alone. I always tell people that you need to learn to be alone. And its true. When you come into the world you may have help but its all on you and your little body if you choose to stay. And when you die you are alone. You could be surrounded by your family but it is a journey you must take alone. Now I get that, but these little in between moments that you are alone are the worst. 

I tend to not hold my ground. I tend to just be the agreeable one. Avoid confrontation. A freaking PUSHOVER!! But I really want to change that. I really don't want to be taken advantage of. I want to be strong. I NEED to be strong. If I expect to be a mother and push a watermelon size child out my vagina and raise that kid to be a somewhat respectable person. I MUST be strong.

My best friend called and asked me about my political opinion. Long story short she got upset and hung up on me. Has ignored me for a while. I forgave her. Which is usually hard thing for me. I tend to hold grudges. But I did because she has been sooo good to me. Especially compared to some of my other friends and that is why it hurts to much. Took me by surprise. I figured that stating my opinion and not backing down and being "agreeable" she would understand. She is the one who made me want to be this person. To not let others get the best of me. Someone I looked up to.

 I am perfectly okay with everyone opinion. Its your opinion. I may disagree but It all depends how you treat someone when they disagree. And now I feel like she has no desire to be my best friend. Here we go again. The spiral of all my childhood issues coming fly back at me. Am I not good enough. What did I do? How can I make this right? I have forgiven. But I will not beg. Not any more. I've tried. I've tried soooo hard. But Its not healthy. Its really not.

So to get back on topic. How do you get over these fears and stop living a life in constant fear? Honestly, I'm not sure. But I'm giving it my best effort.

Step 1: Say what you mean. Mean what you say.
Think about what you say before you say it. Make sure you mean it. Stand for what you believe in. Even if you stand alone. If someone disagrees its okay to not back down and agree all the time. Grown a spine and hold your chin up.

Step 2: Handling the blow back.
Shit will hit the fan. And when it does... it will be quite a mess. But its okay. Some messes can be cleaned up. Some cant. Sometimes things will get broken and they can not go back to how they were. But you just have to take a breath and put one step in from the other.

Step 3: Understanding and accepting that you will be alone.
Either one way or another you will be alone at one point. Accept that. As hard as it may be. You at one point will realize that you have no friends. And that IS okay. Just find comfort. Maybe that comfort is stuffing your face and watching Netflix. Maybe its your fluffy fur baby. Maybe its exercising. Or maybe it is religious. Either way you need to find a way to cope. I still haven't found mine. But when I do. I'll be sure to let you know.